But it is impossible for us to realize perfect truth so long as we are imprisoned in this mortal frame. Truth alone will endure, all the rest will be swept away before the tide of time. Truth, purity, self-control, firmness, fearlessness, humility, unity, peace, and renunciation — these are the inherent qualities of a civil resister. Silence becomes cowardice when occasion demands speaking out the whole truth and acting accordingly.
In the midst of death life persists. Fear of death makes us devoid both of valour and religion. For want of valour is want of religious faith. Man lives freely only by his readiness to die, if need be, at the hands of his brother, never by killing him. Life and death are but phases of the same thing, the reverse and obverse of the same coin.
I came alone in this world, I have walked alone in the valley of the shadow of death, and I shall quit alone when the time comes. We do not know whether it is good to live or to die. Therefore, we should not take delight in living, nor should we tremble at the thought of death.
We should be equiminded towards death. Where death without resistance or death after resistance is the only way, neither party should think of resorting to law-courts or help from the government. The wise are unaffected either by death or life. These are but faces of the same coin. If you want real peace in the world, start with children. A man must arrange his physical and cultural circumstances so that they do not hinder him in his service of humanity, on which all his energies should be concentrated.
The cry for peace will be a cry in the wilderness, so long as the spirit of nonviolence does not dominate millions of men and women. I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business. I believe in the essential unity of all people and for that matter of all lives. Therefore, I believe that if one person gains spiritually, the whole world gains, and if one person falls, the whole world falls to that extent.
Mankind is notoriously too dense to read the signs that God sends from time to time. We require drums to be beaten into our ears, before we should wake from our trance and hear the warning and see that to lose oneself in all, is the only way to find oneself. My life is an indivisible whole, and all my attitudes run into one another; and they all have their rise in my insatiable love for mankind. Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. Brute nature has been know to yield to the influence of love. You must never despair of human nature.
The law of sacrifice is uniform throughout the world. To be effective it demands the sacrifice of the bravest and the most spotless. Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.
Measures must always in a progressive society be held superior to men, who are after all imperfect instruments, working for their fulfilment. It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honoured by the humiliation of their fellow beings. If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children. Nonviolence is not a garment to be put on and off at will. Its seat is in the heart, and it must be an inseparable part of our being. My life is dedicated to service of India through the religion of nonviolence which I believed to be the root of Hinduism.
Non-cooperation is a measure of discipline and sacrifice, and it demands respect for the opposite views. If co-operation is a duty, I hold that non-co-operation also under certain conditions is equally a duty. It cannot be achieved through pure personal effort. We should meet abuse by forbearance. Human nature is so constituted that if we take absolutely no notice of anger or abuse, the person indulging in it will soon weary of it and stop.
Violent means will give violent freedom. That would be a menace to the world and to India herself. To deprive a man of his natural liberty and to deny to him the ordinary amenities of life is worse then starving the body; it is starvation of the soul, the dweller in the body. Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man. I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary, the evil it does is permanent. Intolerance is itself a form of violence and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit.
I have nothing new to teach the world. Truth and nonviolence are as old as the hills. All I have done is to try experiments in both on as vast a scale as I could. Nonviolence is not to be used ever as the shield of the coward. It is the weapon of the brave. What we are doing to the forests of the world is but a mirror reflection of what we are doing to ourselves and to one another.
Monotony is the law of nature. Look at the monotonous manner in which the sun rises. The monotony of necessary occupation is exhilarating and life giving. The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. As for food, India has plenty of fertile land, there is enough water and no dearth of man power… The public should be educated to become self reliant. Once they know that they have got to stand on their own legs, it would electrify the atmosphere. The purpose of life is undoubtedly to know oneself.
We cannot do it unless we learn to identify ourselves with all that lives. The sum-total of that life is God. I want to realize brotherhood or identity not merely with the beings called human, but I want to realize identity with all life, even with such things as crawl upon earth. I hold flesh-food to be unsuited to our species. We err in copying the lower animal world if we are superior to it. I do feel that spiritual progress does demand at some stage that we should cease to kill our fellow creatures for the satisfaction of our bodily wants.
They had also brought out the truth that man eats not for enjoyment but to live. Human nature will find itself only when it fully realizes that to be human it has to cease to be beastly or brutal. When I see a cow, it is not an animal to eat, it is a poem of pity for me and I worship it and I shall defend its worship against the whole world. The basis of my vegetarianism is not physical, but moral. If anybody said that I should die if I did not take beef tea or mutton, even on medical advice, I would prefer death.
460 Mahatma Gandhi Quotes To Bring The Best Out Of You
That is the basis of my vegetarianism. I submit that scientists have not yet explored the hidden possibilities of the innumerable seeds, leaves and fruits for giving the fullest possible nutrition to mankind. Cow-slaughter and man-slaughter are in my opinion two sides of the same coin. There is no need of a teacher for those who know how to think.
A wise parent allows the children to make mistakes. It is good for them once in a while to burn their fingers. Responsibility will mellow and sober the youth and prepare them, for the burden they must discharge. Real education has to draw out the best from the boys and girls to be educated. This can never be done by packing ill-assorted and unwanted information into the heads of the pupils.
It becomes a dead weight crushing all originality in them and turning them into mere automata. An intellect that is developed through the medium of socially useful labour will be an instrument for service and will not easily be led astray or fall into devious paths. I hold that, as the largest part of our time is devoted to labour for earning our bread, our children must from their infancy be taught the dignity of such labour.
Our first duty is that we should not be a burden on society, i. From this point of view self-sufficiency itself is a kind of service. After becoming self-sufficient we shall use our spare time for the service of others. If all become self-sufficient, none will be in trouble. Given the right kind of teachers, our children will be taught the dignity of labour and learn to regard it as an integral part and a means of their intellectual growth, and to realize that it is patriotic to pay for their training through their labour.
Education must be of a new type for the sake of the creation of a new world. Character cannot be built with mortar and stone. It cannot be built by hands other than your own. The Principal and the Professor cannot give you character from the pages of books. Character building comes from their very lives really speaking, it must come from within yourselves. When it is remembered that the primary aim of all education is, or should be, the moulding of the character of pupils, a teacher who has a character to keep need not lost heart.
If teachers impart all the knowledge in the world to their students but inculcate not truth and purity among them, they will have betrayed them and instead of raising them set them on the downward road to perdition. Persistent questioning and healthy inquisitiveness are the first requisite for acquiring learning of any kind. The students should be, above all, humble and correct… The greatest to remain great has to be the lowliest by choice. Let us now cry a halt and concentrate on education the child properly through manual work, not as a side activity, but as the prime means of intellectual training.
You have to train the boys in one occupation or another. Round this special occupation you will train up his mind, his body, his handwriting, his artistic sense, and so on. He will be master of the craft he learns. If India is not to declare spiritual bankruptcy, religious instruction of its youth must be held to be at least as necessary as secular instruction. Confession of errors is like a broom which sweeps away the dirt and leaves the surface brighter and clearer.
I feel stronger for confession. There will have to be rigid and iron discipline before we achieve anything great and enduring, and that discipline will not come by mere academic argument and appeal to reason and logic. Discipline is learnt in the school of adversity.
Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth. I do not want my house to be walled in on all sides and my windows to be stifled.
The Eyes of Faith: How to Not Go Crazy : Ben Stein :
I want all the cultures of all lands to be blown about my house as freely as possible. But I refuse to be blown off my feet by any. Moral authority is never retained by any attempt to hold on to it. It comes without seeking and is retained without effort. There is nothing more potent than thought. Deed follows word and word follows thought.
The word is the result of a mighty thought, and where the thought is mighty and pure the result is always mighty and pure. It is my own firm belief that the strength of the soul grows in proportion as you subdue the flesh. I want freedom for the full expression of my personality.
Man has always desired power. Ownership of property gives this power.
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Man hankers also after posthumous fame based on power. I have implicit faith in that promise. Life is an aspiration. Its mission is to strive after perfection, which is self-realization. The ideal must not be lowered because of our weaknesses or imperfections. Nonviolent resistance implies the very opposite of weakness. A definite forgiveness would mean a definite recognition of our strength. If we were strong, self-respecting and not susceptible to frightfulness, the foreign rulers would have been powerless for mischief.
He is not dependent on us. We are dependent on him. He is not an interruption in our work. He is the purpose of it. He is not an outsider in our business. He is part of it. We are not doing him a favor by serving him. He is doing us a favor by giving us an opportunity to do so. If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time.
And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm. I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps. Change yourself — you are in control. The human body is meant solely for service, never for indulgence. The secret of happy life lies in renunciation. Renunciation is life.
Indulgence spells death. He who runs to the doctor, vaidya, or hakim for every little ailment, and swallows all kinds of vegetable and mineral drugs, not only curtails his life, but by becoming the slave of his body instead of remaining its master, loses self-control, and ceases to be a man. Not to have control over the senses is like sailing in a rudderless ship, bound to break to pieces on coming in contact with the very first rock.
We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. Part 4. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.
- Ambiguous Grief: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive.
- Inocencia y belleza (Bianca) (Spanish Edition).
- Au bagne (French Edition).
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith: (20th Anniversary Edition).
- This Too Shall Pass;
- I Am Adopted;
Fasting unto death is the last and the most potent weapon in the armoury of Satyagraha a policy of passive political resistance. It is a sacred thing. But it must be accepted with all its implications. It is not the fast itself, but what it implies that matters. Not until we have reduced ourselves to nothingness can we conquer the evil in us.
God demands nothing less than complete self-surrender as the price for the only real freedom that is worth having. Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you. I have naturally formed the habit of restraining my thoughts. A thoughtless word hardly ever escaped my tongue or pen. Experience has taught me that silence is part of the spiritual discipline of a votary of truth.
We find so many people impatient to talk. All this talking can hardly be said to be of any benefit to the world. It is so much waste of time. My shyness has been in reality my shield and buckler. It has allowed me to grow. It has helped me in my discernment of truth. The richest grace of ahimsa will descend easily upon the owner of hard discipline. For winning Swaraj one requires iron discipline. Independence means voluntary restraints and discipline, voluntary acceptance of the rule of law. Good government is no substitute for self-government. Every person in a well-ordered state is fully conscious of both his responsibilities and his rights.
Among the many misdeeds of British rule in India, history will look upon the Act depriving a whole nation of arms as the blackest. Corruption and hypocrisy ought not to be inevitable products of democracy, as they undoubtedly are today. So far as I can see the atomic bomb has deadened the finest feeling that has sustained mankind for ages.
A good person will resist an evil system with his whole soul. Disobedience of the laws of an evil state is therefore a duty. It is derogatory to the dignity of mankind, it is derogatory to the dignity of India, to entertain for one single moment hatred towards Englishmen. A democrat must be utterly selfless. He must think and dream not in terms of self or of party, but only of democracy. A policy is a temporary creed liable to be changed, but while it holds good it has got to be pursued with apostolic zeal.
To safeguard democracy the people must have a keen sense of independence, self-respect, and their oneness. No nation being under another nation can accept gifts, and kick at the responsibility attached to those gifts, imposed by the conquering nation. The spirit of democracy cannot be established in the midst of terrorism, whether governmental or popular. What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy? An unjust law is itself a species of violence.
Arrest for its breach is more so. The spirit of democracy is not a mechanical thing to be adjusted by abolition of forms. It requires change of heart. I call him religious who understands the suffering of others. A religion that takes no account of practical affairs and does not help to solve them is no religion. For me, the different religions are beautiful flowers from the same garden, or they are branches of the same majestic tree.
Therefore, they are equally true, though being received and interpreted through human instruments equally imperfect. Every formula of every religion has in this age of reason, to submit to the acid test of reason and universal assent. It is the duty of every cultured man or woman to read sympathetically the scriptures of the world. Hence closing of eyes during the prayers is an aid to such concentration. All the religions of the world, while they may differ in other respects, unitedly proclaim that nothing lives in this world but Truth.
Are creeds such simple things like the clothes which a man can change at will and put on at will? Creeds are such for which people live for ages and ages. We do not need to proselytise either by our speech or by our writing. We can only do so really with our lives. Let our lives be open books for all to study. Spiritual relationship is far more precious than physical.
Physical relationship divorced from spiritual is body without soul. Religion is a matter of the heart. Religion is more than life. Remember that his own religion is the truest to every man even if it stands low in the scales of philosophical comparison. The essence of all religions is one. Only their approaches are different. God sometimes does try to the uttermost those whom he wishes to bless. A vow is a purely religious act which cannot be taken in a fit of passion. It can be taken only with a mind purified and composed and with God as witness.
It is the faith that steers us through stormy seas, faith that moves mountains and faith that jumps across the ocean. It is beyond my power to induce in you a belief in God. There are certain things which are self proved and certain which are not proved at all. I have never found Him lacking in response. I have found Him nearest at hand when the horizon seemed darkest—in my ordeals in jails when it was not all smooth sailing for me.
I cannot recall a moment in my life when I had a sense of desertion by God. I simply want to please my own conscience, which is God. Faith is not a delicate flower which would wither under the slightest stormy weather. Faith is like the Himalaya mountains which cannot possibly change. No storm can possibly remove the Himalaya mountains from their foundations… And I want every one of you to cultivate that faith in God and religion. That faith is of little value which can flourish only in fair weather. Faith in order to be of any value has to survive the severest trials.
Your faith is a whited sepulcher if it cannot stand against the calumny of the whole world. Cultivation of tolerance for other faiths will impart to us a truer understanding of our own. One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed they must be defended against the heaviest odds. My religion is based on truth and nonviolence.
Truth is my God. Nonviolence is the means of realising Him. God is, even though the whole world deny him. Truth stands, even if there be no public support. It is self-sustained. Prayer needs no speech. It is in itself independent of any sensuous effort. But it must be combined with the utmost humility. Let everyone try and find that as a result of daily prayer he adds something new to his life, something with which nothing can be compared. I can give my own testimony and say that a heartfelt prayer is undoubtedly the most potent instrument that man possesses for overcoming cowardice and all other bad old habits.
As food is necessary for the body, prayer is necessary for the soul. A man may be able to do without food for a number of days — as MacSwiney did for over 70 days — but believing in God, man cannot, should not, live a moment without prayer.
Properly understood and applied, it is the most potent instrument of action. I believe that prayer is the very soul and essence of religion, and therefore prayer must be the very core of life of man, for no man can live without religion. As I believe that silent prayer is often a mightier force than any overt act, in my helplessness I continuously pray in the faith that the prayer of a pure heart never goes unanswered. Prayer is for remembering God, and for purifying the heart and can be offered even when observing silence.
Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. Gandhi was a deceptively clever strategist whose frail, even saintly appearance constantly misled his adversaries into underestimating him. Robert Greene. My study of Gandhi convinced me that true pacifism is not nonresistance to evil, but nonviolent resistance to evil.
Between the two positions, there is a world of difference. Gandhi resisted evil with as much vigor and power as the violent resister, but True pacifism is not unrealistic submission to evil power. It is rather a courageous confrontation of evil by the power of love. Martin Luther King Jr. Mahatma Gandhi is the greatest living exponent of successful pacifism. He has demonstrated that pacifism in action can be a force in world politics.
It proved itself, that is to say, a stronger instrument than the instrument of government by force and oppression. Laurence Housman. In South Africa, his success was complete; in India it was very considerable; and had his following been larger and more uniformly nonviolent, his pacific instrument would have triumphed. Al Sharpton. On Gandhi after his assassination: Generations to come, it may be, will scarce believe that such a one as this ever in flesh and blood walked upon this earth!
Albert Einstein. We should strive to do things in his spirit: not to use violence for fighting for our cause, but by non-participation of anything you believe is evil. One feels of him that there was much he did not understand, but not that there was anything that he was frightened of saying or thinking. George Orwell. I guess the most surprising discovery was how long Gandhi remained loyal to the ideal of the British Empire, even in India.
Arthur L. There are many people making a difference. I mean, Dr. King never held an office. Gandhi never held an office. There are people who are archetypes in our society who have never held office and made a difference. Dennis Kucinich. I believe that Gandhi was correct.
I dont joke on this. I dont think people really listen to me, its like it goes through one ear and out the other, without another thought. I go everyday feeling like one day closer to another death in the family, and another long period of time with that one special someone gone. I need advice, help or someone to talk to Thank You for reading, not many people do.
Hi Brendan, I am sorry to hear that you feel like this. I do hope you are enjoying nice holidays with your loved ones. Life can be tough at It is an age where we are growing and developing ourselves, but things and peopel can appear distant or very confusing. I think every teenager feels misunderstood and like they can be missed. I think the key thing is to focus on yourself.
Find a hobby or sport that you like and become good at. Happiness comes from within, not from the external world around us. Also the food we eat is important to our mood. Quit the sugar and processed foods as this will only make you feel more sad. Eat healthy, focus on yourself and be disciplinesd about a sport and you will see the changes that you will start creating for yourself.
Ik how you feel and you are not alone, I felt that way at your age and sometimes still do. Their grief is also ambiguous in nature. For them, grief becomes a limbo state while they wait, sometimes for years, sometimes for an entire lifetime, to know if their loved one is dead or alive, hurting or healthy. This is one of the websites I often refer families to, to help them learn to live with their grief on a daily basis.
Losing children through direct intervention from the other parent is so incredibly painful, I am at a loss to even try. And then there is the blank stare you get when you do try to talk. I lost my son to parental alienation and Stockholm syndrome about 10 years ago. No one understands it. Other people insist it must have been something awful I did. I find myself yearning for a simpler, happier time in the past—not that those times were perfect, but they were far better than my life now. I miss my dog, who I put down last year, terribly, and even though I have other pets, the old fellow I lost was my best friend and my last link to another life that is now gone.
After a decade of financial struggle and tremendous stress, I know where I want to be in the future, but the gap between there and where I am now is still enormous. I live alone in a rural area and sold my car to make rent a few months ago. Surviving the holidays has become my immediate goal. I met my half sister roughly 22 years ago and I have been in grief for last couple odd months when she told my sister the family could all go to hell. That obviously meant me too. I spent much of my free time with her and she was my coffee buddy.
The grief has anger wrapped up in it. The day after I was nearly burned alive by an error of judgment heart broken.
- Lo Stato Sociale (Prismi storia contemporanea) (Italian Edition);
- Speak Your Mind Slam;
- The Jericho Sanction: A Novel (Peter Newman Book 2).
- 290 Hope Quotes That Will Empower You.
- La France de 1870 à 1918 : Lancrage de la République (Histoire) (French Edition).
- Part 2. Mahatma Gandhi Quotes That Are…?
How could anyone ask me to walk away from my whole family it is large for them? If only she could have lived in the here and now and make the most of the family she had. There is no way back. Thank you for putting a name to this horrible feeling that overcomes me at all times now after caring for my adult child with a severe mental illness for several years. I am so sad that the brilliant, fun, talkative, creative person is gone and I am so angry at what is left behind. I have fixed things my whole life , but I cannot fix this.
As I sit staring at 5 bankers boxes of medical records, tests, experimental treatments I realize that I have failed but have no more energy to look further. Right now, the hardest thing is the pretending to the world that everything is ok. The best way to describe this feeling is that I am standing outside watching my house burn down, and the postman wants to chat about what beautiful weather we are having today.
I just want to scream, and scream. But when you do scream, you will lose your friends because they have never heard of ambiguous grief and they understandably feel that you are just an ungrateful friend who does not appreciate them. They say that living with the stress of caring for a mentally ill adult will end your social life and your marriage. I am doing my best to hold onto my marriage. We are both under this stress. The part about your house burning and the postman wanting to chat.. What a good description of exactly how it feels. Thank you Cheri for validating my feelings, that I sometimes feel are crazy thoughts.
I read your poem the Glass, so true and well stated. I hope today is a good day for you and your family, as the holidays are very hard. My best. I am grieving ambiguously for a loved one who is definitely alive. I have been for many years. However, this is the first website I have found on the topic. Thank you. I have had little support outside of therapists. My loved one and I were very close for many years.
But, her choices have proved too much for me to understand or bear. I do not hear from her, though I reach out. She is caught up in delusions. She has become caught up in what is called religious bypassing. In other words, being in touch with her own feelings proves too scary, so she bypasses those feelings and connects outside herself to self-made perceptions of God.
She describes herself as a prophet of God. She scares me. I love the person I once knew deeply. But, that person no longer exists. It is extremely sad. Thank you for suggestions of making a scrapbook. I intend to do. Thank you for acknowledgment that I need to remember who she was. I am in the same situation. Terribly sad and hard to grieve this situation. I recently found out the truth about a dear friend. I wanted to believe we just lost contact over the years, and she just had t reached out. Last night I finally found out what has happened to her. I was shocked denial I guess to see she had an arrest record.
Just last week she was arrested in Santa Monica, ca for sleeping in a public park. Not my friend. The beautiful soul, tough as nails, one of the strongest people I knew. We met when we were young and instantly clicked. The kind where you just get one another, and accept each other for who you are, idiosyncracies and all.
We had so much fun, and grew up together in our twenties. My heart was broken to think that she was living that way. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been, how hopeless she must have felt to turn to that life. I felt guilt, then tremendous sadness, a deep depression to think of my dear friend living on the streets over the past years.
She most likely is nowhere near the person she once was, from all the drugs and living on the streets. And although it will never take away the beatiful person I knew-who was a best friend, she will never be the same. Not the girl I knew. She was obviously in pain and suffering, that is what hurts the most. Everyday is probably a living hell, and there is nothing I can do to help her. She has to be willing to accept help and even then, addiction is hard to beat. People who want to quit have a hard time and sometimes backslip.
She deserved better. My heart is broken. I knew she had fallen on tough times becoming estranged from her mother and then her sister after her sis started using. All I can do now is pray. I am 34 years old, a wife to Richard and mummy to Ava and George. I was a lawyer but have been a stay at home mum for nearly nine years now, which is slightly scary. I have loved it and I would count it as a job because I have worked harder at home than I ever did anywhere else.
What happened to me? I was going to say that I have recently become disabled. In search for a better health I came across people talking of Dr. Kpomosa on the internet, on how he uses herbs to treat so many chronic diseases, I was reluctant to give his herbal fomular a try. Reach out to dr. Thank-you for this post. My son. My mom is 40 and she used to be such a wonderful, loving, and kind person but now she changed completely. She barely talks to me and my brother anymore; only if she needs help with money or something else, she says she never has time for us but — is always out with her friends.
I personally miss her a lot because we were the closest, I miss the old her. I am so happy to find this blog! I have been dealing with my Mother for 12 years slowly but surely losing her mind, and health. I stuck it all out with her, in fact out of 3 children, I have a brother and a sister, I was the rock always, always got along with her, took care of her, laughed with her, etc. So, I was the natural fit for taking her to the major surgeries, the recoveries, the her moving in with me, etc.
Always was me to be counted on by h er and them. I was in the middle and asked them both to stop it. Me, my 2 sons and my husband got her bedroom door slammed in our face and no good bye that day. Well, it has been over a week, neither of them have called and told me how she is either. So, I began scared, went to anger, and over the 12 years of her being some other woman and mean and hateful, I have slowly mourned and grieved who she was anyway. Thanks for reading. Hello, this weekend is nice in support of me, because this time i am reading this impressive informative article here at my home.
I feel like my world has fallen apart. I so miss my kind, thoughtful, giving, compassionate, loving child. I cry. Hold tight to your perspective. Maintain the connect despite the pain. You are the only one who gives her unconditional love. He never loved any of us. She is in a lot of pain, and it hurts to see her mourn the loss of a father, but I am warmed by the fact that I have my daughter back. Keep faith in your heart and do not blame your daughter. She is a prisoner in his shadow. I am also currently going through Parent Alienation with abuse-via-proxy.
My 14 yo daughter is being allowed to live with my estranged husband without the hard parenting she needs to mature and handle the stresses and demands upon her as a teen under family trauma. Watching this go down has driven me to panic and rebellion. She is and will continue to fall into extreme conflicts that she will avoid and manipulate without healthy resolution.
My job as a caring, loving mother has always been, and will always be, her health and well-being. Are there support groups of others like us that we can connect with? I need sanity validation. I understand your situation because I am in it too. Has anything improved since you posted this? I have been grieving the loss of my daughter because of almost the same circumstances since I have endured 5 years of malicious bullying from her. It gets worse each year for me. It is so difficult because I know that this monster is not the child that I gave birth to, loved, nurtured, and made great decisions for.
Please tell me it gets better. I have had the sweetest loving mom who was also my best friend. I am 53 single with two grown up sons. Mom was healthy till 5years ago at 85years old, when she lost her vision and had to give up her home. I have a full time job, so got a caregiver for her.
I watched my mom going down gradually and as much as I love her, I had little patience and anger as I watched this once upon a time mother who gave me so much love, now feeling hopeless and hurt at being a burden to me. She is now 90years old , and had a slight stroke and is now in hospital. I visit her everyday, however she has deteriorated so much in these last few days that I just cry uncontrolably.
I can feel that I am loosing her and feel so guilty for the times I got impatient and rude with her. I just want her to come home and make up for it and give her love and attention. Thank you for this article. My mum is 67 still young. She retired at 60 and was really active. She did exercise classes, she was making friends. She was great company. She enjoyed being a new grandmother too. About 4 years ago she started to develop stenosis of the spine. I have been understanding! However about a year and a half ago she had spinal injections. I think she had a large amount of steroid injected into her back.
She was not the same person afterwards. Due to this her muscles started to atrophy! Her right hand is almost closed. She refused to go to the doctor. She seems to take it all out on me. Our relationship has never been easy. When I was 16 she walked out on us all for the man she is with now. Since then he has been number 1. Shes put him first above anyone else. Maybe, as the article suggests I need to just accept her how she is.
This whole situation is all compounded because I lost my dear dad last year. He had cancer, but even when in extreme pain he was so different. He told me how much he loved me the whole time. I miss him so much. So feel like im going through double the amount of grief. Despite all this I have a good life. I feel like I am not alone.
If the only thing you can do is let them know you love them, that is enough. I no longer have anyone to support me, help make firm decisions, or comfort me. I want to treat my husband as the leader of our home, but the truth is, he is no longer the leader. I have been placed in that role. I am the one who has to provide for the family, make major decisions, plan and pay for anything we do as a family, and keep the peace in my home.
Sometimes the stress is overwhelming. I am blocked on thier social media and when they do communicate its only to spew hate at me. I miss my children so much, I am missing out on watching them grow up. I did not realize there are so many people out there going through what I am going though. My husband is mentally ill and suffers from the disease of addiction. And my 22 year old son has schizoaffective bipolar and the disease of addiction, too.
I have been in Alanon for 10 years, which helps with the addiction part. But the severe mental illness part is very hard to deal with for me. I miss both my son and my husband so incredibly much. I love them both so much, and miss the days when they were able to love me back. My son is doing ok now, and living with my mother. Everything I say or do puts him in a rage. He hates me now. And after he goes to bed I cry, and cry, and cry because I miss the man who swept me off my feet years ago… the man who made my heart skip a beat just by walking in the door, the man who was my soulmate, my lover, and my best friend.
So, therapy does no good. And, watching my two youngest kids trying to grow up with one responsible parent me and one sick parent who changes the rules, and his mood, daily is breaking my heart. Everyday I pray for a cure for mental illness and the disease of addiction. She is now 62 and both her parents passed away kind of young. She is a very religious person as well. I am worried about her and our relationship. You mentioned that your mother has been acting out of character. People with this brain disorder undergo a radical change in personality.
Unfortunately, many general practitioners have no clue about this devastating disease. Try to get her to a neurologist who specializes in dementia. Thank you so much for this. I was thinking I was going crazy feeling this way and I makes so much sense. He now has two aneurysm in his aorta.
One doctor said he is a ticking time bomb. To hear that….. It scares me everyday, wondering when will it happen. Even though the doctors have said he may not need another surgery for 20 years…. This is a heredity heart disease. I just need the support and someone to talk to and vent my wooriness. I almost lost someone I care about to suicide. Please help me! I grew up with divorced parents. My mother has undiagnosed trauma, hoarding, and mental health issues like depression.
The Best Hope Quotes Ever
She was controlling of who I spent time with and what I did. I left home for college soon as possible. My uncle told me my dad has borderline schizophrenia but I always thought it was bipolar. It has been a long process of grief from 18 to Mother loss, father loss. Broken family.
Lost heritage. The ambiguity of how to grieve the living has been utterly painful. Hope is all I have so I do not repeat these mistakes and trauma. I reasingly lost a step dad and 2 sisters we cried for the past 3 days we lost on a Sunday today is Tuesday. So grateful for having discovered your website. My husband has schizophrenia. We had a good marriage and two beautiful daughters.
Although there were a few troubling episodes during the years, we always managed to work past them, until it became more difficult, nearly ten years ago, when his doctors agreed to lower his medication. I never would have thought our marriage would have ended in divorce. I never would have divorced him because of his illness, but he divorced me because of it and it was a shell-shocked, blindsiding devastation. Still…I yearn. I pray everyday for his safety. So, thank you for this article. Thank you!
The additional problem with dementia is looking back and not knowing when it really began. When was it disease or a deteriorating relationship. All of that blurs together and brings a mixture of anger and loss. Emotionally it is very hard to sort out. Another reason rarely mentioned in articles related to grieving someone who still alive is that on a noncustodial parent. Especially in High conflict divorce is where one parent alienates another. Im so happy to find this forum. I do believe that prayer can help me cope.
Thank you for posting this article. My heart is broken for my best friend who, seemingly overnight, transformed from a thoughtful and kind soul to a manic, delusional person with a messiah complex. She believes that the universe is sharing visions with her and sending her on secret tasks to save the world. She has cuts and bruises everywhere from running in the woods in the dark. That was until I had to call the cops to remove her from my home. She was getting violent with my roommate and talking all sorts of nonsensical gibberish.
I hope she finds the healing she needs. Unfortunately, she refuses help. I was 31 when my little brother, who was my best friend in the whole world, died in a terrible car accident. That was in My father died when I was 26, by suicide. Besides my wonderful husband, my mother is ALL I have left.
But she is dead now — although very much alive. Mom moved miles away and lives 3 states away from me. She will rarely want to talk via phone, and the only way I communicate with her is via Facebook. I write lengthy posts about my life, since she never asks. Like a heart, or something. No questions about my life, how I am, what I am doing, what I am passionate about, what are my fears….. My mom posts about how she would trade her remaining days to be with my brother but yet she won;t ever come see me. I even offered to pay her plane ticket so she could be with us on Christmas, but she did not accept.
Instead, excuses. I am tired of being the forgotten child simply because I am still alive. Would my mother grieve me if I were gone? I need her. I am 45 and broken by this. The only one who knows how bad this hurts me is my husband, and thank GOD for him. I am so sorry, CL. It sounds as if your mother is angry at life for taking your brother from her and punishing everyone who is still alive. But all you feel, and justifiably so, is a yearning for her love. My mother did the same with me in the last years of her life. Is there a significant other in your life with whom you can share your Grief?
It is important for healing that we have someone with whom we are close; someone who will hold us when we need it; a shoulder to cry on. I will be thinking of you…. I replied a little while ago to your post. I missed the last line in which you say thank God for your husband. I am happy you have a shoulder to cry on. Do you ever feel as if your mother favored your brother because he was a boy? We old aged mentally and physically very very sick unresourceful parents living as dependant with our married son, his wife and gran dhildrens very happily since last fifteen years.
My mental sickness started four years ago which badly effected my physical health, I had both eye catracted, Gulucoma and then sevre dried eyes plus other digestions and blood clott etc problems mostly due side effects of medicines. Now my mental sickness is treatment resistant as no medicines , Therepy even ECT not working, Anyway, since last three months all of a sudden, my married son, his wife and kid stopped talking to both of us parents without giving any reason…… my wife also got dipressed and physicaly sick with Nuoralgia facial nurve pain due sevre stress.
All our efforts to talk with son are failed due his total denial. With others we have limited formal community action as we still live with them. No one seems bothered about our health or needs, particularly emotional needs of land be, attachments, care, passion and attention. All gone. We have no way out or in. Provocation may result in our further agony… so trying to be patient before he kicked us out of his house. All other relation ships are cut off due our sickness and isolation…. Every day we both old parents are like dyeing and keeping quite. May be some other points I missed to remember and write here but I tried all detailed info so you can understand where we stand and what help n advice is available to us.
We have limitations to go for counseling or other visits due hndicapmlike situation for us… I may explain it later but we can not go for counseling out or Therepy etc. I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. You matter so much and you are enough. You and your wife are enough, and I am so sorry for the circumstances that has occurred. My husband had an aneurysm rupture which left him very confused and unable to form new memories or make decisions for himself. I have this overwhelming sense of sadness that never goes away.
I miss my best friend. I miss my life. I miss just having someone to hold me at night. The day to day is so draining. I love him so much and keep hoping he will come back but I am losing hope. I feel your pain. My husband was in a traumatic accident while we were on a vacation celebrating our marriage and life on October 1st. He fell over 20 feet and suffered from a sever TBI.
He is now partially blind and is still early on in his healing stages. I miss him so greatly. During the first months of his healing I was so much happier just because he was alive and I could lay by his side while he was in a coma- watching him come to life each day. Then he went to rehab and truly came back to life. He still has so long to go. His memory is coming back very slowly but gets confused very easily. His eye sight does not help with this matter. His normal happy, joking personality is no longer there and replaced with a sad and hateful attitude.
My best friend who loved more than life itself is no longer there. He gets short tempered with our three children whom he adored. I just want to know if I will ever get the person I fell so deeply in love with back again. I am crying so hard tonight. I, just, wow. The man I love and married is gone. He was my angel, my saving grace, while I was bed-ridden for 5 years. Altho bed-ridden my mind was sharp so I taught us homesteading, we had laughs, shared ER date nights, altho I suffered physically and almost did not make it, he was by my side and I always tried to smile and enjoy our lives—what we had left.
Well, Oct , I got the clear from Drs, I had reversed a failing liver, quieted an autoimmune disease, all that was killing me, I had turned around with natural remedies and the Drs were shocked! I was elated, finally! I can walk and talk normal, finally I can be outside, not bed-ridden, not barely able to eat. It started with verbal abuses I brushed off as stress….. That did not calm this new thing. Over the course of a year I would be subjected to abuses and violence I never imagined him capable of. The new thing did not acknowledge what he has done, said or anything at all.
He shows signs of borderline personality disorder, delusional, hallucinating hears voices his whole life actually …since he will not go to Dr, I am left trying to figure it out. I have a lifetime experince with mental twisted and ill people and studied in College. So, thats what I can say: Cluster B personality disorder. Very scary, my Husband is emotionally dead to me now. And then he blames me—for it, or plays he cannot remember, I dunno. It drove me away for my life and our unborn childs life.
I am now 19 weeks pregnant and mourning my husband in another new state, safehouse without anything but my backpack, memories, and my baby within. I had to leave my homestead behind, accept my Husband is gone and never returning. I tried for that year to help, but as he stated: I am not sick, you are. I am mourning my best friend, my love, my Husband who was so very special and beyond loving while I was crippled. But as a strong healthy woman, he cannot handle without abuse and violence. I have a life to build now from the ground up with nothing—family and friends turned their backs on me, too.
So, I literally, have no ground to stand on. Luckily after being homeless for 2 weeks, I did find this safehouse—but nothing will ever compare to my homestead with my Husband, RIP. I am so broken, but strong enough to keep pushing forward and fill my days with building my life, therapy, crying, trying to be good to myself and well…mourning.
Where are you! The insanity hurts so much, but I have compassion now that I am safe—His body is there, but he is gone, the last few months I saw, his eyes were gone, his spirit gone, he is dead inside. And what is worse, is, I cannot help him—no one can. And he refuses to try…. I am feeling overwhelming grief today and days before and probably into some point of the future. We also discussed the idea that there may be a name change.
Out of nowhere it was dropped on my lap that a name change and pronoun change is happening in the near future and a name is being decided on in a day. And I feel like I am now grieving the loss of a relationship that I have taken care to build to be strong. I was not anticipating the crushing grief I would feel knowing that the person I fell in love with is going to fundamentally change.
Months upon months of building an emotional connection with someone with a specific name, was a huge milestone for me. So to develop an interwoven and deep romantic relationship and spending countless hours building something that felt like the truest love I have ever experienced feels crushed by a small change. I know my brain struggles with change and emotional connections so I know why I am feeling this grief. I feel selfish and horrible for grieving a dead name when I know that my SO has to make these changes to be their best self. And no matter how hard I try to not feel this way, I feel like I am losing the one person I care about the most.
I wish I felt like I still knew this person and loved them unconditionally but now I feel like I have a stranger. I feel like I have wasted all these months building a connection that my brain has now lost somewhere in my head because of something as trivial as a name. This probably makes no sense because I am upset while writing this. And its also worth noting that I am on the autism spectrum so my brain makes poor social connections or does so very slow.
This web page is the closest I have come to identifying my feelings. Thank you so much for sharing. My husband had brain surgery about three years ago — weeks later I started graduate school. I stuffed my feelings down and got to work — supporting him financially and doing what I could to make sure he was taken care of and on the path to healing.
I completed school in May and now I am falling apart. He was once very charismatic, strong — powerful. He stomps around angry when this happens. He once took care of things — now I have to remind him to complete tasks. He was truly my only support in this large world. I felt like everything was okay when I was with him. Hi there Anon, I am in exactly the same position as you.
My partner had a stroke November , 6 weeks after our son was born, we also have an older boy. I put my entire life on hold, school, work, and even bonding with our newborn to keep my partner alive and to keep our home and business. I have now returned to school and a deal is in place to sell the business. Life has kept me occupied from the grief. I tried all I could to push it down, but it came out. I am ready to learn mpre about my grief. I know that I have to be open to a new relationahip woth this new person, but I am finding it incredibly difficult.
It is like everytime I look at my partner my heart breaks over and over again. I want my beat friend back, I want my old life back, I want the ateong supportive, charasmatic and loving father to my children back. Ihave to be honest, if I met theman I live with today, I wouls not have chosen him to spend the reat of my life with. I am at a loss about my loss. Thank You. This is something I have been dealing with recently, well for almost 2 years.
My father and I have always been extremely close. He was on medications for 20 plus years. He always was a happy , outgoing type of man. He would spark a conversation with anyone. Everyone loved him. I am now 37 and he is Not only myself but my 3 kids always were close to him. I went from talking to him 5 times a day to hardly talking for a month. When I try and call he just is distant and has to go.
I feel selfish that I feel this way. My fourth child is about to turn 3 and has no relationship at all with him. He was always the best father and pop to my children. I as well struggle with anxiety and went through horrible PPD after my fourth was born. I look at old pictures and cry. I miss his so much. He was my best friend, my Rock. He was always a strong man even struggling with his own problems.
This is actually how I feel. Thank you so much for this post. Hi Jacqueline, Has your father been prescribed something for his anxiety, one of the benzodiazepines, for example? If yes, then it is possible that he is simply too medicated to do anything at all. You might want to check in and find out what he is taking for meds.
Doctors can be extremely irresponsible with what they prescribe. Please look up frontotemporal dementia, the most common type of young-onset dementia, which is under-recognized and often misdiagnosed. People with this brain disorder undergo a dramatic personality change. They lose empathy, emotions and executive functioning, NOT memory.
Please take him to a neurologist who specializes in dementia since unfortunately, many general practitioners have no clue about this devastating disease. My husband is a quadriplegic. He has no movement below his collar bones. I grieve the man he was. The strong, fix everything, sexy, handsome, able bodied man he used to be. I miss the 10 years we lost since becoming a quadriplegic. I miss my happy, blissful, wonderful marriage. Well, those words do not help. At least with death, there is a point when you do realize that life goes on and you do just that.
Oh, and I am his sole caregiver. My mom and I were incredibly close until her latest and longest relapse to alcohol. My last happy memory with her was two years ago, shopping for my wedding dress. She rapidly deteriorated within months of that day. I feel awful for how awful she must have felt. Fast forward six months later when she ended up in the ICU for severe withdrawal. She coded and after they did cpr on her in the hospital she was on a ventilator in a coma for a week. I thought I was saying goodbye to her on February 16th of this year as I walked in her hospital room. I was so relieved when she pulled through, eventually came home, and regained some physical strength.
Like I was a stranger or a distant acquaintance. I would tell her how much I missed her and make inside jokes and she would show apathy. He agreed. Three months after her hospital stay my mom began drinking again. I could tell immediately because of her mean comments and responses.
My mom would never say those things to me before. Over time The mean tones eventually turn into horrible things no one should ever have to hear from anyone they love and miss. I miss my mom so much it knocks the wind out of me at times. I miss my disfunctional family. The other day I went shopping by myself and saw a mom and daughter in the same age range and I felt so lonely in that moment that I left and cried my eyes out in the car. That used to be us. My husband is supportive but what can he do? His 73 year old parents call him every week and still plan family vacations. I feel like an orphaned 34 year old from parents who are alive and live less than one mile from me.
I too had an alcoholic single mother who seemed to care more about her drugs and alcohol ban caring for her only child. I have terrible guilt, anger which has consumed me. Then my only son started using drugs which over the last 4 yrs has escalated into near death. My husband and I have tried everything, spent thousands of dollars and tre last time we had him picked up, because he is 19 he shut us both out. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and found this forum when trying to learn how to deal with grief of someone who is still alive..
So my heart goes out to you and any other person dealing with this type of pain. The past several weeks I have been mourning the last as of my husband who is an active alcoholic and has relapsed. It tears my heart out that he is still here physically but he has psychologically died. It is beyond a point of control. Help is the next? Which is where I am and still seeking! And do what I am right now staying around and seeking for the help! And I am even gonna go to the extent to say please email me because my pain is deep. How do you get over the pain barrier? Thank you for commenting,i like you feel deep pain of ambiguous grief.
Thank you for that.
Yet often I just cry and cry. I think looking back on the happy times, feeling them, memorializing them, and letting them go, will help. Then I can live one day at a time. And I need to grieve and let go. Thank you so much for this article. My son left home when he was a little over I had built an addition onto my home and moved my elderly parents into there the summer before. I wasnt capable of handing them living with me. All the past came rushing back, and I was slowly lozing it. My son and I got into a fight on my birthday, and he left to stay with his dad. When I found this out, I had a full blown nervous breakdown.
I could barely function. So I 2as the one with the mental illness, BPD. His hatred for me drove me farther and farther into a hole. I have been fighting for 5 long years to get a life worth living without him. This article has helped me to see I have memories, pictures and he cannot take away my love for him. I see both sides of this situation, the side of the one being outside and the perspective of my son.
Both are very painful. I have worked on me so much, but he doesnt want to forgive me, so I have to accept that. It is beyond painful, as he was everything to me. I was the room mom for a few years, helped get little league and football in our community, so he could play, them managed teams. I was involved in helping with everything I could to better his life.
When he closed the door, I was completely shut out, I drove all my friends away. Bow I am completely alone tKing care of my father that I resent because of many things including being the catalyst of my breakdown. Life is challenging, but this helps immensly. I am so glad to have stumbled upon this information. My sister 2 years older who was a cheerful active and kind person during most of our lives began exhibiting changes in her personality about 5 years ago. We are in our late sixties. She has no known health issues and lives a good life with her husband of 47 years.
She is close to her son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren.